BREAKING
Unidentified Drone Activity Over Cul-de-Sac
Aerial surveillance detected that is NOT ours. Dave attempted pursuit on foot. Investigation ongoing.
Jan 22, 2026
Official HOA Security Division
Your Neighbors Are Always Watching
Third Responders™: Because Someone Has to Care About Your Lawn.
We're the EMWV Security Team — unarmed, unpaid, and completely convinced that your garage door has been open for 48 minutes. While real first responders handle emergencies, we handle everything else. Mostly complaints.
What We Do (To You)
Protecting property values one passive-aggressive note at a time. If it's not in the bylaws, we'll suggest it should be.
Observe
We notice when your trash cans are out 37 seconds early. We always notice.
Document
Every infraction goes in The Binder™. Yes, there's a binder. It has tabs.
Notify
Laminated. Weather-resistant. Impossible to ignore. You're welcome.
Our Capabilities
Problems You Didn't Know You Had
Armed with clipboards and an encyclopedic knowledge of Section 4.2.7(b), we address community concerns before they become your concerns. Often before you even know they exist.
Explore All ServicesStrategic Lawn Chair Deployment
Optimal positioning for full cul-de-sac visibility. We see the whole street. The whole street sees us.
The Henderson Stare™
A proprietary technique developed by Bob. Wordless. Effective. Drives the point home.
Suspicious Activity Assessment
Someone new on your street? Package delivery at an odd hour? Extra cars? We're on it.
Seasonal Compliance Sweeps
Holiday lights go up after Thanksgiving. They come down by January 15th. No exceptions.
247
Homes Monitored
1,847
Citations Issued
47
Minute Garage Limit
∞
Vigilance Level
Community Feedback
Actual quotes from residents. We didn't ask permission to use these.
"Ever since they started patrolling, I'm afraid to get my own mail after dark. I guess that's... safety?"
S
Susan M.
Lot #47
"Bob showed me a photo of my trash can from 6:47 AM last Tuesday. Said it was 'a warning.' The can was at the curb for maybe 30 seconds."
M
Mark T.
Lot #23
"I received a formal notice about my wind chimes. The notice itself had wind chimes on the letterhead. I respect the commitment."
J
Jennifer L.
Lot #12
Latest Notices
Official communications from EMWV Security HQ
INCIDENT
The Great Bin Lid Incident: Official Statement
Setting the record straight regarding the events of January 17th. We are very hinged.
Jan 19, 2026
TECHNOLOGY
Lawn Ornament Detection System Deployed
Tyler's LODS system now tracking unauthorized ceramic frogs, garden Buddhas, and deflated inflatables.
Jan 15, 2026
Your Neighbors Need You (To Report Them)
Noticed something off? A new car in a driveway? Suspiciously quiet children? A lawn that looks just a little too green? Let us know. Anonymity guaranteed.*
*Bob might mention it at HOA meetings.