Newsroom

At approximately 3:47 PM yesterday, several residents reported an unidentified drone hovering over the intersection of Maple Court and Oak Lane.

What We Know

• The drone was NOT one of ours (we don't have drones yet)
• It appeared to be taking photos of backyards
• Dave attempted to follow it on foot but lost visual contact near Lot #34

Our Concerns

This represents a significant jurisdictional challenge. Aerial surveillance of the community is OUR responsibility, and we take any unauthorized observation activities very seriously.

What This Means for Residents

If you see this drone again, do NOT attempt to engage it. Document its position, altitude (estimate in feet), and any visible markings. Submit your observations through the standard violation reporting form — we've added a new "Drone Incursion" category specifically for this purpose.

Note: Bob is looking into getting our own drone. Budget discussions ongoing.

On the morning of January 17th, what began as a routine trash day patrol escalated into what some residents are now calling "The Great Bin Lid Incident." We would like to set the record straight.

The Facts

• At 6:23 AM, Dave observed Mr. Peterson's recycling bin with its lid at an angle exceeding 45°
• Standard protocol was followed: documentation, timestamped photo, preliminary assessment
• Mr. Peterson emerged from his home before Dave could complete his notes
• A "discussion" ensued

What Was Said

We cannot confirm reports that Dave said "Your bin is a disgrace to this cul-de-sac." However, we can confirm that Mr. Peterson's characterization of our team as "unhinged clipboard enthusiasts" was hurtful and inaccurate. We are very hinged.

Resolution

After a 47-minute cooling-off period (coincidentally our favorite number), both parties agreed to a mutual understanding. Mr. Peterson has been issued a formal warning, and Dave has agreed to approach bins from a less confrontational angle going forward.

Mr. Peterson's bin lid has been compliant ever since.

We are pleased to announce the deployment of LODS (Lawn Ornament Detection System), developed by our Chief Digital Officer, Tyler Henderson.

How It Works

Using a combination of Google Street View historical comparisons and Tyler's personal photograph archive, LODS can detect when a new lawn ornament, garden decoration, or "yard accent" appears on any property within the community.

Early Detections

• Lot #12: Ceramic frog (appeared Jan 3rd, unauthorized)
• Lot #31: Solar-powered pathway lights (appeared Jan 8th, style pending approval)
• Lot #44: Small stone Buddha (appeared Dec 28th, spiritually neutral but aesthetically questionable)
• Lot #7: Inflatable snowman (appeared Nov 29th, deflated as of Jan 2nd, status: abandoned)

Resident Cooperation Requested

To avoid detection delays, we encourage residents to voluntarily report any new lawn ornaments BEFORE installation. Pre-approval forms are available on request (allow 4-6 weeks processing time).

Tyler notes that LODS is "still in beta" and asks residents to report any false positives, such as large pets mistaken for statuary.

Attention all residents,

Following last year's "Disco Driveway Incident," we are implementing mandatory Christmas light synchronization across all properties.

Official Timing Pattern

• On cycle: 1.2 seconds
• Off cycle: 0.8 seconds
• Transition: 0.1 second fade (no instant on/off)

Approved Colors

White (warm 2700K-3000K only), red, green, and gold. Blue lights require special authorization due to potential confusion with emergency vehicles.

Penalties

Non-synchronized displays will be documented and submitted to the HOA board. Repeat offenders may receive a Concerned Neighbor Letter™ delivered personally by Bob Henderson.

Following our comprehensive neighborhood WiFi audit (conducted ethically using publicly available signal data), we have identified several network names that do not meet community standards.

Approved Format

EMWV_RESIDENCE_[LOT#]_PRIVATE

Example: EMWV_RESIDENCE_47_PRIVATE

Prohibited Names Include

• Names containing profanity or crude humor
• "FBI Surveillance Van" or similar parody names
• References to competitors' neighborhoods
• Any variation of "NotTheHOA"

Network changes must be completed by January 1, 2026. Instructions are available by request (allow 2-4 weeks for processing).

Winter is here, and with it comes the responsibility of constructing aesthetically appropriate snow figures. Please review the following guidelines:

Dimensional Requirements

• Maximum height: 4 feet (front yard) / 6 feet (backyard)
• Minimum distance from sidewalk: 3 feet
• Standard three-sphere construction preferred

Accessory Guidelines

• Carrot nose must be oriented at 15-20° downward angle
• Coal eyes should be symmetrically placed
• Scarves must be weather-appropriate (no Hawaiian prints)
• Arms should be of similar length (±15% variance allowed)

Snow angels are permitted but must not exceed 6 per 1000 sq ft of lawn.

Recent surveillance logs indicate an uptick in extended garage door openings. This is a reminder that the 47-minute rule remains firmly in effect.

The Rule

No garage door shall remain open for more than 47 consecutive minutes unless:

• Active loading/unloading is occurring
• A pre-approved Extended Duration Permit (Form GD-7) has been filed
• Emergency maintenance is being performed

Why 47 Minutes?

This number was scientifically determined by founder Bob Henderson after extensive neighborhood observation. It represents the optimal balance between ventilation needs and visual cohesion.

The annual mailbox inspection will take place January 15-17, 2026.

Inspection Criteria

• Color conformity (approved: black, white, hunter green)
• Number visibility (minimum 3" height, reflective)
• Post verticality (maximum 2° deviation)
• Flag functionality (must snap to both positions)

Residents with non-compliant mailboxes will receive detailed improvement recommendations and a reasonable 90-day correction window.