Comprehensive Community Protection
From surveillance to documentation, we offer a full spectrum of services to keep your neighborhood safe, compliant, and thoroughly monitored.
Core Services
Our primary offerings to maintain community standards and vibe integrity.
24/7 Surveillance
Round-the-clock monitoring of all visible activities within the community. We see what others pretend not to notice.
- Garage door timing
- Lawn height assessment
- Visitor pattern analysis
Violation Documentation
Professional-grade documentation of all observed infractions using industry-standard clipboards.
- Carbon copy precision
- Timestamped entries
- Weather-resistant forms
Compliance Notices
Beautifully laminated notices delivered directly to your door or mailbox, as situation requires.
- Premium lamination
- Official letterhead
- Guilt-inducing language
Patrol Services
Regular patrol routes through all community sectors using tactical lawn chairs and high-visibility vests.
- Twilight patrols
- Holiday detail
- Special events coverage
Response Services
Rapid deployment to reports of suspicious activity, typically within 2-3 minutes.
- 2-3 min response time
- Incident assessment
- Civilian de-escalation
Documentation Archives
Comprehensive records maintained in the official EMWV Archives (filing cabinet in Bob's garage).
- Detailed records
- Historical analysis
- Pattern recognition
Tactical Gear & Technology
Our team is equipped with state-of-the-art surveillance and documentation technology, carefully selected for maximum efficiency and community impact.
| Equipment | Specification |
|---|---|
| Clipboard Model | Office Depot Premium™ (laminated) |
| Lawn Chair Type | Tactical Folding (camo optional) |
| Vest | High-Visibility Orange (reflective) |
| Binoculars | Bushnell 10x42 (for distant violations) |
| Measuring Tape | Stanley 25ft (for lawn compliance) |
| Badge | Self-laminated, magnetic backing |
Our Services Are Completely Free
That's right — all EMWV Security services are provided at zero cost to residents. We do this out of pure civic duty and an unrelenting need to ensure compliance. (Also, the HOA board said we can't charge anything.)
Request Our Services